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When they all watched the tape, I hid behind the couch because I was so ashamed. But the downside is that they put all this prejudice out there. Then we wake up at 40, exhausted, and we wonder, Is that all there is? Simply pointing out these patterns yielded huge results: But that meanness is almost pathological.

Inresearchers compared straight and gay teenagers on cardiovascular risk. But for us, the effect is the opposite. While one half of my social circle has disappeared into relationships, kids and suburbs, the other has struggled through isolation and anxiety, hard drugs and risky sex. If he gave up on finance, was that surrendering to stigma? I had to operate in the world as a lone agent.

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But the fact is, we are different. For many of us, they have become the primary way we interact with other gay people. These masculinity norms exert a toll on everyone, even their perpetrators. Lojg see this in studies: So for kids, the goal is to hunt out and prevent minority stress. I arrived to a date once and the guy immediately stood up, said I was shorter than I looked in my pictures and left. At least 70 percent of gay men now use hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff to meet each other. We have to recognize that as we fight for better laws and better environments—and as we figure out how to be better to each other.

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But over the last 10 years, what researchers have discovered ipcs that the struggle to fit in only grows more intense. A study suggested that gay men who pifs more linked to the gay community were less satisfied with their own romantic relationships. And there was Christian, the second guy I ever kissed, who killed himself at 32, two weeks after his boyfriend broke up with him. The trick, Heck says, is getting kids to ask these questions openly, because one of the hallmark symptoms of minority stress is avoidance.

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