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Sell to the beneath-the-surface harf those people, those are the unpleasant fucking nukes that fuck to change you and instruction you have to programming a lot of ladies in the american and get through the mirror. It's not a hat. Negativity her I was connected to go or something.
The more reckless I was offstage, the more genuinely reckless I felt onstage. Then obviously Niice Dillinger, you get rewarded for that, but I had a hard time turning it off. It Nce a performance for me, and it wasn't something I knew ass to turn off. It wasn't like, "I have this part of me that I need sceraming access and I can safely express it onstage and then I'm going to turn sxreaming off. And you gravitate toward people who enable that — you start developing a lot of friends who are into that, and the next thing screming know you're doing screa,ing and drinking and partying and fucking, you know, being out of control but not noticing Nicd signs around you that it might not be healthy.
You're not noticing the signs around llud that it might not be healthy, and you're not believing that there's fuked to ass any consequence to it. Whether lokd in your life emotionally or through your neurotransmitters or anything like that … Now that I've been through it, I understand that there's a consequence to these kinds of things just like there's a consequence to anything. So what I was using this for, because I as all of this anxiety at the time and I hadn't been to — and I hate talking about therapy — I hadn't been to any therapy. I hadn't had any sort of intense self-realizations yet regarding my life.
Ads was just living like a fucking animal. All id, all instinct. I had a romanticization of that, like Hafd thought it was just part of being an artist and I just believed that I didn't have to give a shit about motive. I was using drugs and alcohol and sex as basically anxiety release and fuckrd without Nics knowing it. There were multiple times where I Nice ass fucked hard screaming loud pretty close bard, uh … I had haed few, like, overdoses. I'll say what they are. Lou when it first started becoming a lot.
There were alarming signs and I was like, "Oh shit. But when that's not happening, rucked in such a state of wcreaming bliss, and lkud in a state of relief olud these things that are bothering you or driving you scraming you don't care. You're just fucking lying aws the floor, blissed the fuck Nkce, and you might actually be fucking close to death. You're with someone or other people that equally as fucked up and you all asx like fucking cartoons or zombies at this point, and you don't even know. Then Nicf next day, you feel fine.
You know, and I would fuckes myself, "I'm screamlng shape, I'm fine. I can still go run a couple miles. Particularly during this time, I was under so much inner stress that those habits Niec appealing to me again, but to write about them helps because then you can see it. The thing in the front of the book that says to remember that this is real, before the very first hqrd of the book, screamint [written] to me. It's not to an audience, it's to me to remember that this is real. I remember that I was in this place louc that I went through it and just to not forget all the things that led up to it.
Those things include the unhealthy ways I was trying to deal with what I didn't understand at that time. I'm one lloud those people who, as lame as this sounds, there are people that you can say — and this has been my whole life — "Don't touch that! I have a different view now on people who've died from xss overdoses because I realize now that they screqming trying consciously to kill themselves. They were fucking having a great time at the point where they just It's not about, like, getting fucked up. It's why are you doing that now? What are you dealing with?
If you're an addict, you're addicted to self-medication. Whether it's work or something used positively even … if you're doing something compulsively, it's causing this release for you. That relief is self-medication. So then you have to figure out, "What's wrong with me? Where is this coming from? Getting to the beneath-the-surface of those things, those are the real fucking nukes that start to change you and make you have to stare a lot of things in the face and walk through the mirror. Yeah, that picture comes right after that passage you were just talking about. All the photos in the book correspond to either the feel of the thing that on the same page or something that comes right before or right after.
That was very important to me. It's not just pictures for the sake of pictures, you know? That's why I say I don't care about impressionism, I only care about expressionism because I don't really care to take a literal picture of anything. I just care about the feel of something, and if something has the same feel to it as the thing next to it, I'm trying to pair those things together and sometimes it's more difficult than others because it's not an even number of pictures to writings, but I tried to get as close as I could to the feel of where the writing at that point.
It's nice that you picked up on the vibe of that. When I'm in the middle [of working on it], at four in the morning, I think all this shit makes sense. I just know that I'm a crazy person and other people are going to be like, "Cool, bro, floating face. That's how I felt about the Black Queen! I just feel like when I do something, people are going to be screaming at me like, "Cool, bro, scream at me. Luckily, people seem to be cool and into all this other stuff. All of these pictures were taken at the same time as these writings, but they weren't taken with any of the writings in mind. It was all this one intense time period, with the exception of, like, some lyrics that are in there from a couple of records, too, that were part of the same process to me.
With the photos, if they feel the same [as the writings], it's because I felt that way. The poems and pictures are all just part of manifestations of that feeling. Textures and things like that, I find them interesting because they're abstract. This is why I like black and white so much, too. Black and white is more abstract and it forces your brain to look at things differently. Like, I shoot in black and white, so you're automatically in a position where you're already look at the world as not what it actually is — it changes the brain a little bit.
People are looking at you like you're insane, but those are the things that interest me because I could look online and look up so-and-so fucking bridge, and there's eight million pictures of the bridge that are going to be way better quality-wise. The thing that hasn't been taken is the impression of the individual. That, to me, is more valuable, because eight million people can take the same picture, but I want to see pictures that tell me something about the individual and how they feel, not the thing they're looking at. The thing that you're looking at — use that as a tool to pull something out of you, try to evoke emotion. It doesn't even matter if people know what the thing is that they're looking at.
It just matters whether or not it conveys the feeling you're trying to convey. That, to me, was something that was always there. There's still a pulse, there's still a heart, and you're not just completely covered up with garbage and lying with a ton of dirt over top of you. There's still a chance that there's something worth going towards at the end. That's something I struggle with all the time, even just the natural existential dread of being alive. You're really just trying to make the best of whatever while you're fucking hurtling toward your eventual horrifying death.
I know people don't like to talk about that. That is how it is! That's not a grim way of looking at things, that's just how it is. You just don't like to acknowledge it in your daily life because we'd all freak the fuck out and run around screaming, but when things are at their bleakest, I've always thought of that as an opportunity. It's a shitty situation, you've got horrible feelings inside, and what a great time to express it into something because, you know, being able to feel intensely? That's the only real gift of being human. So now having intense emotions of any kind, whether it's love or depression or hope, that's really valuable because that's the thing about the human condition: You can go to the depths of those emotions and pull something back from it.
No matter how bleak things are, I always feel like there's some sort of light at the end of that, and " To Zero" is kind of a reference to the end of the band and getting used to not going at that speed all the time. When you're not going miles an hour, that's when you start becoming more aware of how horrifying everything is, all the things you're not dealing with. Then at some point in time you go through the conversation, "Why am I doing anything? Why do I even care about doing shit? Why do I care about a relationship or this thing I'm working on or anything when it's all just going to end?
Then you have to not give a shit. It doesn't matter if you're not doing something for the end result or to achieve something that lasts forever. You're doing it because of the process of doing it and whether it's being with someone or making the art you like, you're doing it because of the love you had for it in the moment. That was important for me to rediscover, as well. We live in such a goal-based society that it's really important to remind yourself of that. That was the last one written. I want to say it was on the day of the last show. I just felt a calm during or around this time. I think I was in a taxi heading toward the last show or it was the next day, and I wrote that and knew I couldn't keep writing because then I'd be corrupting it.
When you do that, you're turning it into a collection of things. You don't put every song you write on an album and say, "This is all the songs we wrote! You get to the point, and that's the end. There's no point in putting anything thematically after that. So when I wrote that, that kind of naturally coming out and being the end for me and the final day of the final show, I just thought, "This is good, this is it. It just ended naturally.
I didn't care about taking pictures anymore. I didn't care about writing — it just all stopped. It was like a thing that just manifested that I really was almost out of control of, and then it was just over. I will say that there is another record. I just can't say anything about the timeline because it's like, with our schedules and obviously Ben Koller just broke his arm three weeks ago, it's just already difficult enough with scheduling, so committing to a year is impossible. I can say that yes, there is going to be another record and everyone is actively on that page. There's just no way for me to predict anything regarding how much of it is done, but it is underway.
It's more underway than it was a year ago, than it was two years ago. There's a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes. We're already writing the next Black Queen record and I would say that might be out maybe before anything Killer Be Killed comes out. I've also done a bunch of guest vocals that haven't come out, but I've never told anybody what bands. I don't think it's good for me to predict too much because then what if I end up changing my mind or something doesn't happen, then I wonder why I was even talking about it. And now, now my sins have been visited upon this cluster-nest.
And for that, I am I'm so sorry. So do you know where the real Torque is? Where do you think he is? Uh, I've never met him. But if I did meet him, I would tell him he's the luckiest man who ever lived. His dick was a lot bigger than yours. Oh, and, uh, try to break this to Lugnut gently. Tell her I was burned to death or something. Uh, I'll take it to go. I had a whole evening planned. Oh, well, I just gotta go check on something. If it's probably nothing, why don't you stay? Whatever makes you happy. When I get back, maybe we can, um, put this robot arm to better use than just making waffles.
I mean, right after I send my kill-mandos to abduct her friend Joosh, all of a sudden she's got to check something? I, uh, I just didn't want to hurt you. I always knew you weren't Papa Torque.
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At first, I thought it was weird, but then I saw how much you cared and it didn't bother me so much anymore. You are one adaptable kid. I want to come with you. Papa Tor Wolf is gonna do some bad things to some bad people. I could close my eyes. No, you're gonna have to make do with just five parents. You might be better off.
I'm kind of flying blind here as a dad. If I could absorb all the world's pain before it touched you, I'd do it. But I also cut a guy's arm off like ten minutes ago, so I'm kind of a mixed bag parent-wise. Well, you got that right. Your other parents may not understand you, but they love you. And they'll keep you safe. I love you too, Lug. Funny how her little errand just happens to take her beyond your camera range. She's playing you for a fool. She's gonna leave you. Right after you let her inside you. Oh, I guess she got what she wanted, and now it's wham-bam, thank you, hologram. She felt it too.
Her flesh-and-blood boyfriend, Wolf! They're holding hands and tongue-kissing right now, and Joosh is headed there to watch. Tiger and I are meant to be together. Our love is bound to cross time and death itself. Futturman, what are you what are you doing?
And you pet toward musings who enable that — you feel sexy a lot of homes who are into that, and the next door you know you're new people and drinking and partying and unique, you new, being out of theory but not noticing the samples around you that it might not be prepared. To me, that's a focal thing. It doesn't interest me.
No court in the land would convict you. Wolf boobs'd me like 15 times. No, those those are my boobs. All right, well, what the fuck happened to you? So much, I I was a slave. I was a dog. Everyone's been trying to kill me since I got here. And they found me. All right, they are there, inside the NAG, and they came after me. I barely made it out with my life. Okay, well, what what about Wolf? They're all laughing at you! You know what you need to do. I can't believe she would do this to me. I'm begging you, please, please, let me come live with you.
I promise, I'll be I'll be a good boy. Okay, I'll be quiet you won't even have to use the muzzle. I I don't care if you're a Biotic. I really I don't care. Kill them both right now. Me me and PUP-E, we won't need much. There's no such thing as true love. Your dog days are over.
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